Calvin at Camp: Hercules, Or Something Like That
by Blue Paratroopa
Summary: A parody of the Disney movie Hercules. Narrated by Snoopy, Calvin attempts to become a hero, mostly because he wants attention. When Eddy finds out, however, that Calvin may be a threat to his Titan of a Scam, he wants the young hero gone!
1. A Musical Intro

Yes, the Christmas fic disappeared, as it never really got off the ground in the first place. However, teh Eds survived, and the full Christmas Carol can be found in their section. I now present: Hercules.

* * *

It was a sad morning at camp for Calvin. No matter what he did, he felt as if no one ever appreciated the fact that he was acting like a hero every day. But what makes a true hero, you ask? Well, that's what our--- 

"Hold on a second. It's me, Snoopy. This is nice and all, but a pretty dull intro. Can I try my own take on how this should start?"

I suppose...

"Good."

(Sung to the tune of "The Gospel Truth")

Snoopy: **_One day at summer camp  
Calvin was feeling down on his luck  
Everyone held him responsible  
When things went amok _**

He felt really bad  
Despite adventures  
Wherever he stepped  
He had saved the day countless times  
It's like he never slept

But in this parody  
He'll learn that he's not bad  
It's true  
Perhaps he'll stop being so sad  
And you  
Will see him stop evil in its tracks  
And that's the sort-of truth  
He's too much of guy to just relax

And that is my intro  
A summer tale  
Based on myths long ago  
This saying you'll soon be bored of  
That's the sort-of truth

It was true. Calvin sat in a corner that morning, complaining to Hobbes. "It's not fair! I'm never remembered for the great stuff I do! Thanks to Linus, I was even cheated out of being king! This stinks!"

"But," said Hobbes, "you manage to cause a lot of the trouble around here as well."

"Still! I should be treated like the hero I really am! I got rid of the annoying egos running around!"

"But you also sent them here in the first place."

"I saved everyone from the clones!"

"But you also made them."

"I stopped the Darkling!"

"Well, there was that, but no one was around to see it."

"See? No appreciation!"

The two of them suddenly heard the loud voice of Eddy nearby, ranting about how great one of his scams was. "Hey! Come into my 'Zero to Hero' booth! You'll be appreciated for a change! Come on, everybody!"

Calvin was first in line. He paid Eddy some quarters and stepped into the booth they had set up. Inside, all there was were a few toy monsters with a sign that said "Step on me." Calvin did. A recording came on of Eddy's grating voice saying "You're a hero!"

Disappointed, Calvin stepped out. A few other kids had seen inside. Instantly, they tore down the booth and Calvin grabbed his money back. Eddy was getting booed away by everyone else.

"Go back to the cave you crawled out of!" called Kevin.

"You'll see!" Eddy shot back at them. "Someday, I'll make a scam so great, you'll have to hand your money to me! You'll have no choice!"

The kids laughed again "You kill me!" called Sarah. Eddy stomped away. "If only..." he hissed. At least I'm not as hated as he is, thought Calvin to himself.

"If there's one guy who you don't want to get steamed up," narrated Snoopy, "It's Eddy, 'cause he had an evil plan..."

_**He was a whiny brat  
He ripped the kids off with his scamming booth  
He was as mean as he was ruthless  
And that's the sort-of truth**_

_**He made a plan to shake things up  
And that's the sort-of truth

* * *

As you may have figured out from the Lion King fic, my casts aren't really consistant. Hobbes gets a Meg-ish role, but there's no romance or anything. Calvin is obvoiusly Herc and Eddy is mean old Hades.**_


	2. The Prophecy

Eddy was now sitting in an old broken-down bathroom, the same one he'd used as a "paradise" a few weeks ago when Kevin was king (long story). But what once looked nice and clean now looked old and damp, like an out of order restroom should. He leaned into the hall and called out: "Ed!"

Ed happily bounced in. "I enjoy the polka!"

"Double D!" called Eddy.

Edd sighed and entered as well. "Eddy, I was sort of busy. I have a life as well."

"I'm tired of our scams not working," said Eddy, ignoring Edd. "No one ever likes them!

"Honestly, did you try that 'Zero to Hero' idea? If you had put more time and effort into it, then maybe it would have worked! But the kids have a reason to hate these ideas! They're terrible!"

"Not this one," smiled Eddy. "I've been making a special scam by myself that's gonna go up in a few days! No one will be able to resist it! But I've gotta make sure on this one...Linus has a scam of his own set up, and he'll tell me everything I need to know."

"Linus set up a scam?" asked Edd, surprised.

"The little skinflint!" smiled Ed.

"Yeah," said Eddy. "I'm going to go see him right now!"

"If you were going to see him right now," said Edd, a little annoyed, "why did you call us?"

"I don't know. See ya!"

Leaving his friends, Eddy went and saw Linus. He was sitting outside in a booth that said "See Into the Future. The Psychic Is In."

"Hey, Linus! Cough up the answers!"

"To know the answer, one must know the question," Linus said softly.

"Fine, smarty pants! I'm making a super scam! And I mean SUPER! I mean Can't-Even-Kill-It-With-Kryptonite-Red-Or-Green-Doesn't-Matter-What-Color-Super! Will it work?"

"Let me see..." Linus put his blanket over his eyes and made a rhyming prediction: "**_Your scam will be a great success_**

_**That surprised me, I must confess**_

_**But it may be hard for you to prevail**_

_**Should Calvin get in the way**_

**_And you will fail. _**10 cents, please."

"WHAT? You're lying!"

"No, sorry. Now, please pay."

"I'm outta here! I've got some plotting to do!"

Eddy ran back and found his two friends again. "Ed, Edd...I've got a riddle for you: How do you kill a god?"

"I do not know!" said Ed.

Edd pulled out a mythology book. "I believe you can't kill a god, for they are immortal."

"Bingo! They're immortal!"

"Why did you ask us that?" asked Edd.

"It's just been bugging me. Hey, you know what you never did? You never went on a walk with Calvin in the Mushroom Kingdom!" Eddy started to spurt out lies. "I...uh...I want him to help us with our scam! Yeah! Uh, we're doing one in the kingdom! Take him to the Warp Zone and I'll be there in a second!"

A slightly suspicious Edd and Ed left Eddy, who was just smiling. He'd get rid of Calvin and his plan would come together!

* * *

How could you not love Pain and Panic? Ed and Edd get their roles in the story without the evil part. 


	3. Every Last Drop

Calvin, Edd, and Ed were in the Mushroom Kingdom's Warp Zone, a small island covered in pipes, all leading to various places. They had opened up a pathway to the Mario world through a series of Nintendo books, and it was used quite frequently now.

"This is very odd..." said Edd. "I wonder where Eddy is...he's always on time when there's money involved..."

"Maybe this is part of an evil plot!" guessed Edd.

"I doubt it, although it is possible."

"Well, I think..." started Calvin, but he never finished. Eddy was hiding behind a pipe to Darkland, the home of Bowser. He threw Calvin in. It was done so quickly, that no one saw Eddy doing it. In fact, no one actually saw Eddy! But Ed and Edd both saw Calvin go down the pipe and jumped in after him. "Wow! Pipe dreams!" said Ed.

Calvin landed on a tank belonging to Bowser Koopa himself. He knew he was in trouble now. The tank was heading right for Koopa Castle! Edd and Ed peeked out of the pipe.

Calvin quickly realized where he was and hopped off the tank. But physics were different in the Mushroom Kingdom, and he landed right on Castle Koopa's ledges! He hid in a place where it looked like no one would find him. Still, he was in trouble. How would he get out of this one? Edd followed him, along with Ed. When they reached Calvin, Edd handed him one of three potions.

"I've prepared an escape potion to our camp for cases like this," he explained. "I have a fourth one for Eddy, if he..."

Eddy jumped out of nowhere and grabbed it.

"Alright, drink it all to return," ordered Edd. "Every last drop!"

But before Calvin could finish his, Eddy "accidently" knocked it out of Calvin's hands. The three Eds were warped back without him.

"Oh, dear," said Edd upon returning. "What do we do, now? The kids will use us for target practice when they found out that we lost Calvin to those horrible Koopas!"

"You mean, if they find out," said Eddy.

"Eddy? What are you talking about! Calvin is now...if? If is good..."

Eddy smiled to himself, knowing that Calvin wouldn't come back in time to stop the scam.

Snoopy: **_Calvin was stranded now_**

**_And since he did not drink the last drop_**

**_He was sadly left sitting_**

**_On Castle Koopa's roof_**

__

He knew that he was stuck

And it would be hard to come home

He'd be left hiding up there

Thanks to Eddy's "goof"

_**Yes, Eddy laughed and planned **_

He thought failure was simply aloof

This is my last reprise

That's the sort-of truth

Calvin was still sitting up there when he heard some Koopas coming. He was suddenly surrounded by Koopalings! With some fancy jumping, Calvin leaped right off the roof and onto the tank below. All the cannons pointed to him, but Calvin dodged all the shots, which hit other tanks as a result. All the tanks around Calvin crumbled and fell.

"See?" whined Calvin. "Why can't people ever be around to see this kind of thing?" A Koopaling named Larry unleashed a few Cobrats (snakes from SMB2) on Calvin, who simply tied them in a knot and threw them into the distance. He jumped into another warp pipe and escaped. The Koopalings watched.

"Hey, did you hear that dog singing earlier?" asked Lemmy.

"What are you talking about, freak?" replied Roy and punched him in the face.

* * *

This is the THIRD time "If? If is good" has been used in a fic. It was first said by May Kanker in my Lion King parody, and then by Panic himself in the Disney fic "A Ghost's Night on the Park." 


	4. Go the Distance

Calvin found himself in front of Peach's castle upon emerging from the pipe. He walked inside and looked at a few pictures on the wall. They were all of Mario and Luigi preforming heroic acts. They were remembered...so why wasn't he?

(Sung to the tune of "Go the Distance")

Calvin:**_ I have often dreamed_**

**_That maybe someday_**

**_I'll be a hero_**

**_And be remembered_**

**_Where the crowds will cheer_**

**_When they see my face_**

**_After horrible villains_**

**_Were left by me dismembered _**

I'll be there someday

Can't I go the distance?

Will I find my way?

_**Why can't I be strong?  
**_

_**I wish I could**_

_**And I think I should**_

_**Be able to go the distance**_

_**And be right where I belong**_

On that note, he jumped into a different pipe and found himself back home. He looked into the gym and saw Kevin preforming a few great sports tricks in front of an audience of cheering kids.

"Plank wants you to sign him!" called Johnny. It was at that moment, Calvin knew that someday HE would be the one in front of the crowd, signing Plank.

Calvin: **_A hero I'll be  
I can go the distance  
And when trouble comes  
I will save my friends  
I don't care how far  
I can go the distance  
And I'll be famous  
Be known as smart, not dumb_**

Calvin sat in bed that night when camp was over. He had told Hobbes about his time in the Mushroom Kingdom, and how he wanted to be a hero. "...I mean, you've seen what I've done in the Kingdom!"

"I've heard all your rants. If I help you, will it shut you up?"

"Maybe."

Hobbes thought for a long time and then came up with an idea. "I know a guy," he said. "He can help you. There's no camp tomorrow, so we'll go in the morning."

"Can we go tonight?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm tired."

"When I'm a hero, I'll use you as a punching bag."

"You realize that I'm trying to help you."

"It would help if we went tonight."

"Just go to sleep."

There was a pause.

"If you love me, you'll take me now."

"No."

And the next morning, they set off in their wagon, riding down a steep slope into the huge woods near Calvin's house. It was a sunny day, and Calvin knew that he would soon be a hero!

Calvin: **_I will beat the odds  
I can go the distance  
I will face the world  
Fearless, proud and strong  
The bad guys I'll prod  
When I go the distance  
And I'll be up there with the heros  
That's where I belong!_**


	5. Training

Eventually, they reached a certain spot in the woods. "Are you sure this is the place?" asked Calvin.

"Yes, this is it."

"I'm not sure this is the place."

"It's the place, okay?"

"If you're sure...but I think you're wrong."

Hobbes lost it. "Look! I'm about to..."

A huge bear stepped out. He was the same bear that trained Hobbes in an earlier story. "I wouldn't make that guy mad, kid," he advised

"It's you!" smiled Hobbes.

"And I remember what you just put me through," growled the bear.

"What did I do?"

"Well, I trained you to be a huge scary monster...but then you went back to normal. No one I train goes back to normal, you hear?"

Hobbes looked guilty. "Sorry, but I like being myself. I just wanted to prove something to this kid here. He sort of wants you to train him to be a hero."

"Well, now I'm the laughingstock of the woods thanks to you! I'm not about to train your creepy little HUMAN friend!"

(Sung to the tune of "One Last Hope")

Bear: **_So, ya wanna be a hero, kid?  
Well, whoop-de-do!  
I have been around the block before  
With blockheads just like you _**

Your tiger friend was a disappointment  
Pain for which there ain't no ointment  
Don't care about complaining  
I do no more training  
I bet you wanna jump into some fray  
My answer is two words...

"But maybe training him will get you your dignity back," suggested Hobbes. "You just need to tone it down a little."

"Never thought of that...fine, I'll do it on one condition."

"What?"

"We get a training montage!" A montage indeed began as Calvin was trained to be a hero.

Bear: **_I'd given up hope that someone would come along_**

_**A fellow who'd ring the bell for once  
Not the gong  
The kind who wins trophies  
Won't settle for low fees  
At least semi-pro fees  
But no...**_

_**I get the greenhorn  
You've made me the laughingstock of these whole woods  
People thing that my kind of training is not so good  
But you need an advisor  
A grizzly, but wiser  
A good merchandiser  
And oohh!  
We've got a long way to go... **_

I'm down to one last hope  
And I hope it's you  
Though, kid, you're not exactly  
A dream come true  
I've trained enough turkeys (literally)  
Who never came through  
You're my one last hope  
So you'll have to do

Little runts I like to punt  
But being weak can be the pits

_**Maybe I can buff you up  
But that may be the dream of twits**_

**_To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art  
Like painting a masterpiece, it's a work of heart_** (Aww...)  
**_It takes more than sinew  
Comes down to what's in you  
You have to continue to grow  
_**Now that's more like it!

_**I've trained some real weird guys  
And some much stranger  
I'm feeling mighty old  
Like I'm endangered  
My dreams are on you, kid  
Go make 'em come true  
Climb that uphill slope  
Keep pushing that envelope  
You're my one last hope  
And, kid, it's up to you  
Yeah!**_

The training montage was finally done...but Calvin didn't look any different. "Thanks, huge bear!" he said. "The lesson here is that you should always trust talking animals in the woods!"

"Everyone knows that," said Hobbes.

"Good luck, guys!" the bear called as they left. "Maybe I will get my dignity back..."

As they walked, Calvin tripped over a tree root. Hobbes looked nervous. "I hope he didn't tone it down too much..."

* * *

Ah, the bear from "Hobbes of the Wild" shows up again. By the way, "One Last Hope" is my favorite Hercules song.


	6. Calvin's First Battle

Soon they reached camp. Calvin marched proudly up to the kids. "Guys! I have great news! If any villains are keeping you down, come to me! I'm a hero!"

"Who says?" said Kevin.

"A talking bear." The kids all laughed. Eddy watched and glared at Ed and Edd. "I thought he was GONE!"

"Thank goodness he isn't!" said a relived Edd.

"I can't believe this! I set it all up...why didn't it work?"

Edd was stunned. "You mean you...? I'm appalled!"

"Yeah, yeah, that's not rubbing him out any faster."

"I like to eat erasers, 'cause they smell like hotdogs!" grinned Ed.

"What's so funny?" Calvin was asking the others.

"Nothing," answered Kevin. "You just proved once again that you're a DORK!"

"Get lost, blockhead!" yelled Lucy. Calvin was crushed. "How can I prove to you I'm a hero?"

"Well," suggested Charlie Brown, "a hero does things that are...heroic."

Calvin looked determined. "Fine." He walked over to the Kanker sisters, who were beating up on Jimmy. "Hey, sisters!"

"Is he talking to us?" said May, looking up.

"Wow, you sure are smart to have figured that out!"

Marie started to get mad. "I think he's making fun of us."

"Everyone does behind your backs!"

Lee started over. "You wanna go, kid?"

"Let's."

"Wait..." smiled Eddy, "this could be over even sooner than it started."

The Kankers ran for the lone kid. Calvin put up his fists...and that was it. He hadn't been trained very well, and as Hobbes had guessed, the Bear had toned it down too much. The Kankers jumped him and started pounding. Hobbes, Jason, and Marcus watched from the stunned crowd of kids.

"Wow, some hero," said Jason. "It's like what everyone did to us at school that day we reminded the teachers that we had to take a test."

"We can't let him die out there!" said Hobbes. "You guys, help me out!" The three of them snuck over. Jason had a small extendable claw which pulled Calvin out of the fight and threw him into a closet. Inside, Hobbes and Marcus taped the practically unconscious Calvin onto a scooter and pushed him towards the Kankers. They were swept up by the scooter and rolled right out the door. The kids were now interested and followed. The scooter zoomed down the sidewalk and down the road. A bus honked its horn and swerved out of the way, accidently hitting a construction pile of rocks. They collapsed onto Calvin and the Kankers. The kids fell silent.

"Game. Set. Match," Eddy sneered.

Suddenly, the rocks moved! Calvin staggered out. He wasn't sure what just happened, but he saw the moaning Kankers sticking out of the huge rock pile, and why were all the kids cheering for him? Was he a...hero? Apparently. As the kids led him back to the main room, he called to his friends, "You gotta admit guys! That was pretty heroic!"

"You won by a landslide!" cheered Marcus. His friends were proud that they had helped Calvin. Maybe he would stop complaining now. Meanwhile, Eddy was strangling the other two Eds. "Eddy...mad," gasped Edd.

"From that day forward, Calvin could do no wrong," narrated Snoopy. "He was so hot...steam looked cool. Wow, that was a bad line. Sorry."

(sung to the tune of "Zero to Hero")

Snoopy: **_Bless my soul  
Calvin's on a roll  
Bigger than the play-offs or even the super bowl  
What a pro  
He could stop a show  
Point him at a villain and you're talking SRO  
He was a no one  
A zero, zero  
Now he's a hotshot  
He's a hero  
Cheered on by his friends and peers  
From zero to hero, despite Eddy's jeers  
Zero to hero, he had no fears _**

When he smiled  
The girls went wild but  
He didn't care  
A few might slap his face  
Or give a chase  
But he wasn't scared

Beat lawbreakers, got jawbreakers  
And that made Eddy burn  
As that yappy runt  
Watched him his stomach  
Would begin to churn

Say amen  
There he goes again  
Sweet and undefeated  
And an awesome 10 for 10  
Eddy thought  
Of him as a welp  
Calvin didn't realize  
About his secret help

Calvin, he comes  
He sees, he conquers  
I tell you, the crowds wereGoing bonkers  
He was a kid with lots of flare  
From zero to hero, with spiky hair  
Zero to hero, he was always there

Bless my soul  
He was on a roll  
Undefeated  
Riding high  
And the nicest guy  
Not conceited

He was a nothin'  
A zero, zero  
Now he's a hotshot  
He's a hero

He would always aid those in need  
From zero to hero  
Calvin's a hero  
Now he's a hero  
Yes indeed!

As Snoopy sang, we saw Calvin defeating other villains and bullies, ranging from Moe and Sarah all the way to Lucy when she pulled the football away from Charlie Brown (she had it coming, but that round-headed kid was sure gullible!). But every time Calvin defeated the bad guys, it would always be with help from Hobbes, Jason, and Marcus. No one, not even Calvin, was aware of this.

Some of the kids Calvin fought were actually paid by Eddy. Eddy was certainly mad about this. Not only would his scam fail, but now Calvin was getting glory AND jawbreakers! It wasn't fair! But he wasn't done yet...

* * *

Just wanted to say that "Zero to Hero" was pretty fun to write. The "Who put the glad in gladiator" verse is gone, as I felt that that messed up the song. 


	7. Romance, Sort Of

"I can't believe this!" fumed Eddy. He, Edd, and Ed stood in the hallway. "My scam is almost finished, and I'm not about to wait for this whole thing to die down! Now that he's such a great hero, he'll want to stop this scam! I won't let it happen! I just won't!"

"What even is your scam?" asked Edd.

"I'm not telling! All I know is that I..." Eddy noticed Ed playing with his pants. Eddy pulled them down to reveal Ed was wearing underwear with Calvin's face printed on it.

"Don't they look good in yellow?" said Ed.

Eddy was now even madder. "I've got a few hours to get rid of this bozo or the entire scam that I've been setting up that's not supposed to fail is about to go up in smoke and YOU ARE WEARING HIS MERCHANDISE!"

Eddy suddenly noticed Edd reading Calvin's autobiography. "Sorry," Edd smiled innocently, "but it's really very interesting. Did you ever hear about his encounter with the 'Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons? Fascinating!'"

"AAAAHHHH!" Suddenly, Eddy noticed Susie wandering around ahead. "Wait...what about a romantic interest?"

"What?"

"Yeah, I'll get him sidetracked by falling for a pair of goo-goo eyes, and then I'll threaten to hurt her unless he doesn't mess up my scam!"

Edd rolled his eyes. "Really, Eddy..."

(sung to the tune of "I Won't Say I'm In Love")

Edd: **_You've won the prize for rotten judgement  
I think it's clear that your plans fail  
You may think that he'll get romanced  
But you're forgetting he's a kid male_**

Snoopy: **_Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'_**

_**Love isn't in his bones  
Your hopes will be smitten  
It's just not in his hormones  
Man, you can't conceal it  
Don't know how he feels 'n  
He's just a kid, heavens above**_

Edd and Ed: **_No chance, no way_**

_**He won't say it, no, no**_

Snoopy: **_No swoon, no sigh_**

_**He'll deny it, uh-oh**_

Edd and Ed: **_Not night nor day_**

_**Will he say he's in love**_

Edd:**_ I thought you'd finally learn your lesson_**

_**That you should lay off of bad deeds  
You can't remember when you were his age  
When romance was not one of your main needs**_

Snoopy: **_He'll keep on denying_**

_**Doesn't have those feelings  
Don't care if you're crying  
You'll be mad and hit the ceiling  
You might as well give in  
'Cause this kid will be livin'  
The eternal bachelor life**_

Edd and Ed: **_Your plot is nixed_**

_**He won't say it, no, no**_

Eddy: **_Give up, give in_**

_**Check the grin he's in love**_

Edd: **_He's only six_**

Ed: **_There's no way he's in love_**

Eddy: **_You're doing flips read my lips_**

_**He's in love**_

Edd, Ed and Snoopy: **_You're way off base_**

_**He won't say it  
Get off his case  
He won't say it**_

Eddy: **_You've gotta see_**

_**He's definitely in love**_

All of them stopped when they saw Susie walk over to Calvin and say hi. Calvin paused. Was he blushing? Was he shy? Was he in love? No, he just hit her with a water balloon.  
Eddy:**_ I guess you're right_**

_**There's no way he's in love**_

Eddy sighed and watched Calvin being chased by Moe, who was attempting an ambush. "Face it, Eddy," said Edd. "He has no weakness." Suddenly, they noticed Jason, Marcus, and Hobbes dropping a chair on Moe, making it look like Calvin had beaten him. It all became clear as Eddy grinned a familiar smile. "Oh, I think he does, Double D...I truly think he does..."

* * *

I actually considered cutting this song when the plot was first concived, but I know it's a favorite of many. Still, adding romance would be the most out of character thing ever...so the song became a huge joke. Still, this is probably my favorite song that was altered for this story. 


	8. The Deal

It was a dungeon deep in Hyrule. Eddy strolled in to find Gannondorf pushing Bowser around. "They got away AGAIN!" yelled Gannondorf. "Why do I even let you hang out with me? You can't even kill one kid!"

"He had a tiger..." Bowser said weakly. It was amazing that the Koopa was so threatening normally looked so small next to Gannondorf. Eddy tried to stay calm as Bowser pointed to him. "There's one of them!"

Gannondorf's fist turned a glowing purple as he pulled it back. "Killing him will only take a second. You could learn from me, you little shellcreeper."

"Wait!" said Eddy. "I have to make a deal with you!"

Gannondorf paused. "A deal, you say? I do like to make deals...what's happening?"

"Well, I'm trying to get Calvin out of the way..."

"I'll do it!" volunteered Bowser. "I've been meaning to go back out there and get even with him!"

"I don't wanna kill him!" explained Eddy. "I just need to make a special kind of deal...one that binds him using some magical powers!"

"I like this so far..." said Gannondorf.

* * *

The next morning, Calvin was running laps in the gym. No one else was in it, aside from Hobbes.

"Wow, you're really working out, huh?" said Hobbes, impressed.

Calvin looked at Hobbes like he was an idiot. "Working out? I'm just practicing running away from all the girls that keep chasing me!"

Hobbes wondered if he should tell Calvin that they were really helping him. Suddenly, Eddy walked out, followed by Gannondorf. "Hey, Calvin! Have I got a deal for you! Not like you have any choice..."

A cage suddenly formed around Hobbes. Eddy stepped forward. "Here's how it's gonna work. See, I've got plans coming up. A great scam, that some people wouldn't like. They might ask you to be a hero. I can't have that. If you or your friends do anything to stop it, Hobbes magically gets hurt. Real bad. But if you just let this one little scam slip, he's fine."

"What if I don't agree?" said Calvin, cautiously backing away.

"Hobbes gets hurt anyway. That's life, right? Deal?"

Calvin looked at Hobbes. "Deal...I thought you were my friend."

"I am! But when there's cash involved, I'm no one's friend. What can you do?"

Bowser raced out of nowhere. "And you wanna know what's really funny? You were never a hero in the first place! It was all your friends helping you! You never actually did anything! HA!" He paused and then smiled. "You're not laughing...I thought it was funny..."

The Kooplaings came out as well. **_"Our Hero's a Zero, our hero's a zero!_** **_Ha ha ha ha ha ha!_**" Gannondorf had the cage disappear. Hobbes fell to the ground. "I didn't know this would happen..."

"Well, I've got a scam to unveil!" said Eddy. He ran away, delighted things had actually worked for him. "Eddy, you're a genius!" Gannondorf and the Koopas left as well, leaving Calvin and Hobbes in the gym alone.

* * *

About the whole "Snoopy can talk" thing. He's actually thinking everything, despite the fact the story always says "said." He does talk to Hobbes, however, just because that seems to make sense. Please stop flaming me now. 


	9. A Real Titan of a Scam

Eddy marched outside where all the kids were playing as clouds formed in the sky, which now looked red for some reason. Edd noticed this. "A red sky...that can't be good sign! Red can be used to represent evil!"

"Symbolism bad for Ed!"

Eddy had a huge device, covered by a sheet. "Kids of camp! What I have here is my best scam ever!" Eddy pulled the sheet away to reveal a huge vacuum-like machine. "It's the Scam Titan! Like I said before, you won't have any choice but to give me your cash!" Eddy turned it on, and it began chasing the kids, one by one, sucking out all their money.

"Dork!" called Kevin, as he watched his twenty dollar bill go into the machine. Eddy rode on its' back, steering it around. The kids ran, trying to get away. Even Linus's money he had earned from his psychic booth was sucked in. The small boy got the kids' attention as Eddy's machine disappeared into the distance, looking for more victims. "I know who can save us! Calvin!"

Linus walked with the kids, explaining what had happened with the prediction he had made to Eddy. Lucy blew her top. "If you knew Eddy was going to steal our money, why didn't you tell us!"

"My predictions are accurate but vague. I certainly didn't know Eddy was up to this, which is more stealing than scamming. Besides, I know Calvin will help us!"

They found Calvin sitting in the gym with Hobbes. Calvin was talking to Hobbes, but to most of the kids, it looked like he was just talking to a stuffed tiger. "I can't believe this! I know you were trying to help, but now I'm not a hero anymore! The kids will find out, and then..."

"You have to help us," said Charlie Brown.

"Yes, the Snake-in-the-Grass-Ed-Boy has stolen Rolf's hard earnings!" said Rolf.

"I can't," sighed Calvin. "Apparently, Hobbes, Jason, and Marcus have been helping me this whole time...I'm not really a hero."

"Well, at least now we'll get some respect," said Jason. "We can probably take on this scam!"

"My prediction said Calvin had to take some part in it," insisted Linus. "It never said he couldn't have help, but if Calvin doesn't do anything, Eddy will win!"

"I would help," said Calvin, "but Eddy said Hobbes would get hurt if I did!"

"He's stuffed, you dork!" cried Kevin. "He can't get hurt! I'll prove it!" Kevin grabbed the stuffed Hobbes and punched him a few times. Then he and most of the other kids left in disgust.

Suddenly, Hobbes began to glow! "What's going on!"

Gannondorf appeared. "I can explain that. You see, the deal was that if Calvin did nothing, Hobbes would be fine. He got beaten up by Kevin, which broke the deal. This means that you all can defeat Eddy with no risk. Now, go away." Gannondorf disappeared. The kids all looked at each other, and ran down the hall.

"That was weird," said Jason. "What's the plan?"

"We find Eddy and work from there," said Calvin. They got outside to find Eddy looking down at them from his huge titan. "There you are! I think I'll see what cash you've got on you!"

Before Eddy could do anything, the kids all leapt at him, and began a furious fight. Jason knocked Eddy off, Calvin hammered at it with some tools, Marcus took a look at the controls, and Hobbes tried to open the machine.

Eddy just laughed. "If you want the money back, you have to type in a code! I stole Double D's designs! You can't do anything!"

"I'm the king of codes!" Jason shot back. "We're taking this thing to my house, and we'll crack it there! Let's roll, Marcus!"

Marcus worked at the controls, which looked like a Gamecube controller. The huge titan started rolling home. The second everyone's back was turned, Eddy sprang up, and knocked Calvin off. He grabbed the controls away and started sucking up everyone's money again. Knocking the others off, Eddy had the machine zoom home. Calvin grabbed Hobbes's claw, and started running, dragging Hobbes with him. "What are you doing!" cried the tiger.

"Trust me!" Calvin shoved Hobbes's claw into the machine's wheels and it stopped, unable to move on flat tires. Hobbes looked at his claw. "I could have done that, you know."

Eddy looked down and saw the huge mob of kids gathering around the machine, ready to climb up there and tear him apart. He quickly pressed a button, and several balloons inflated around the Scam Titan. The part that had the money stored in it blasted off and away, with Eddy riding in it! "Well, you got my machine! I give! Good thing I get to keep the cash as a constellation prize!"

Dejected, the kids watched Eddy get away. Calvin started running after him, followed by his three friends. Calvin turned around and stopped them. "Sorry, guys...but I want to take Eddy on myself."

* * *

Even if Eddy stole Edd's designs, I'm still not sure how he managed to build the "titan." Oh, well. 


	10. A True Hero

Eddy landed in the pool building and carried his bales of cash inside. "I can't believe this! I could have gotten more money if that idiot hadn't stopped me!"

Edd and Ed were there as well. Ed splashed around in the pool, and Edd sat up in the lifeguard tower. The smartest one looked down on Eddy with disgust. "Haven't you collected enough money? Really, you weren't even scamming the kids! You were stealing! In fact, Ed and I should be going. I don't want to be seen with you."

Ed and Edd walked out. Eddy shouted after them, "FINE! I wasn't gonna give you any of this stuff anyway! I'm happy just being with my cash!

Suddenly, Calvin jumped inside. "You're about to meet your match Eddy! Calvin!"

"And Hobbes." The tiger followed Calvin in.

"Hobbes, I said I was going to get Eddy! Can't you let me be a hero on my own?"

"You're not a hero!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

The argument continued until Eddy finally grabbed Hobbes and threw him into the pool. "I don't have time for this! I'll see you in Vegas!"

Eddy swept up the money sack and ran for it. Without even thinking about going after Eddy, Calvin dove into the pool after Hobbes. After a second, he burst out with his friend. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. But Eddy's gone."

"That doesn't matter! You're my best friend!"

Linus suddenly strolled in. "And saving Hobbes instead of stopping the villain makes you a true hero."

"But what about Eddy?"

Eddy was sneaking outside when he bumped right into Kevin and the rest of the kids. They didn't look too happy...

Calvin got out in time to see the kids reclaiming their money and beating the crap out of Eddy. "Hey, guys! I'm a hero!"

"Dork! We were the ones who stopped Eddy!"

"But...but I..."

"We know you're a hero," said Jason. A loud cheering was then heard from the woods, sounding as if it came from many bears and other animals: "YEAH! YEAH! HE DID IT! HE'S A HERO! HE'S A wimp for letting that Eddy go just to save his tiger...YEAH! HE DID IT! HERO! HERO!"

"Calvin," said Johnny, "could you sign Plank?"

"Okay, but there might not be enough room to write 'Calvin, the Greatest Most Awesome Hero In the World, Who's Cool.'"

Snoopy appeared for the last time with a chorus of Woodstock birds.

Snoopy: **_He saved his tiger from a deep, deep pool_**  
Birds: **_It's back to norm'_**  
Snoopy: **_And made Eddy look like a fool_**  
Birds:**_ It's back to norm'_**  
All: **_A hero he won't be_**

_**But he can finally see  
He's not too bad  
So blow the horn  
It's back to norm'**_

Snoopy: **_The kids forgot about his brave great deeds_**  
Birds: **_It's back to norm'_**  
Snoopy: **_But fame isn't a pure need_**  
Birds: **_It's back to norm'_**  
All: **_Just remember in the darkest hour_**

_**Within your heart's the power  
For making you  
A hero too  
Eddy wishes he was never born**_

(Eddy: I wish for cash!)

_**Just keep your eyes upon the skies  
Oh, thank God it's finally  
The kids say it's finally**_

_**Finally, we're back to norm'!**_

THE END

(Snoopy: Good thing we cut before a truly awful version of "Go the Distance" plays over the end credits)


End file.
